For me, it was the job. Since #MeToo, straight women have reported having a harder time befriending men at work. Yes, this can be explained sometimes by having children or a new career, but it shouldnt become a trend. But lets face it. So she wants to talk about something but all she has is what she ate for lunch and how her online language lesson went (and they always go well). WebDaily U.S. military news updates including military gear and equipment, breaking news, international news and more. 100% this. It can be an outlet for him without necessarily being an inlet for me, if that makes sense. A formula I have found that works, is, When you X, I feel Y, because Z. When Cancer Research UK looked into modern relationships last year it found that 28% of us spent less than three hours with our partners each day, and that one in eight of us spent less than 10% of our time together conversing. I have tried sensitively saying that we should not spend dinner complaining. I think this is a good insightthat when done in a limited way (15 minutes, not 4 hours) it can be a stress relief thing. I was struggling during WFH with my husbands intense complaints about his work. His tone mellows a little. You cannot and should not force her to see a counsellor, but you should suggest it when you are explaining the facts of life. The children who were randomly labeled smart, actually performed better in school. If you havent heard of Relationship Hero before, its a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations. If shes been complaining about her job every night during dinner for years on endshe needs a new job, full stop. Perhaps its time for your wife to find a new job? My ex was/is like this. I dont know whether its the fresh air, the possibility of neighbors within earshot but even his complaints arent as bad? If she isnt sure, talking to a counselor or therapist might help. If they were actually engaged with you and having a conversation, youd be getting to say things too and would be enjoying it OR theyd see you getting bored and over it . Listen, for instance, to a man using that most hideously misused tool of our times, the mobile telephone. Im glad for their relationship that OP wrote in because hes not able to function as a partner right now. My partner rarely complains about work, he lets most things roll off him and I think I went into hyper-drive complaining during the pandemic because we were spending so much time together. I asked that we limit it. If you want to know a profession less valued & more underpaid than primary education, look no further. I had a staff member that would complain often about various things. I have a similar challenge with my partner as well as my friends. Every now and again it might be wise, if not. Even if it gets in the wrong hands, you wont have to worry about it getting into your employers hands. Trying to correct me or redirect me at a time like that just adds fuel to the fire and makes the storm last longer. Especially the toxic folks that never want to change their situation (not saying that is the letter writers spouse). You dont work there anymore. I used to complain a lot when I talked to a certain person. News Now clips, interviews, movie premiers, exclusives, and more! The ultimate solution for me was to find another job and for me that meant a move out of state (to a lower cost of living area) and a much less stressful job. I have tried sensitively saying that we should not spend dinner complaining, but this hasnt gone well. I dont know if your wife is looking for or wants advice/feedback when she complains. We have friends who have been in a similar boat where one member of the couple said if he could help he would listen to his wifes complaints, but if it was just day after day ranting for no other reason than to let off steam, then he couldnt do that. This is your limit and boundary not because your wife is bad but because it affects you. Honestly, I think its one of those instinct things. Your wife, however, will probably appreciate you sharing with her, and shell probably be less negative. For the record, I honestly have a pretty stress-free job and dont have much to complain about, and when I do have things to complain about, I just dont. He now sometimes reminds himself to say something positive and he focuses on the positive much more. WebYahoo is committed to making our company a best place to work for the LGBTQ community and has been recognized for the past 10 years by the Human Rights Campaigns Corporate Equality Index, scoring a perfect 100 each time. Getting in the habit of complaining at length about the same annoyances every day doesnt accomplish much beyond tiring out everyone around youit doesnt reduce the number of annoyances or the degree to which they are annoying, it doesnt get your coworkers or your manager to shape up, it doesnt make your clients nicer/smarter/less frustrating, it doesnt sent out resumes, it doesnt do any of the things that would actually make the situation more bearable. So I have a strict limit of 5mins to air my grievances to the world, then move on. Like me, you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation. Its the Thursday ask the readers question. For my part, after COVID hit and I went remote I missed the normal hallway griping Id normally do with coworkers. Maybe listening enough to figure whether its Kent still hasnt figured out reply-all or layoffs are imminent and inevitable sorts of things can help with timing this. I agree with being clear about how this is affecting you. I have had jobs that I did need to vent or complain about or even scream in the car on my way home and Im definitely better off at a job that doesnt cause me enough stress to warrant complaining. She let him know that she understood he was having difficulties at work but that she needed a break from the complaints about it. Reading this and the following comments was really nice, because I am married to a reformed complainer. The idea comes from the concept of rubber duck debugging in software development. But clearly, if she just isnt interested and even looks down on your endeavors, then thats obviously a bad sign. Years ago someone recommended the Mars & Venus book and author said, IIRC, sometimes your partner needs to just vent to get it off their chest and be able to relax. Jealousy isnt usually something thats positive, but if you talk about your sexy-coworker or youre having a flirty conversation with an attractive woman, and she cant even muster up the energy to get jealous, well, lets just put it this way: Even in larger groups, if she is truly still in love with you, she will make an effort to get close to you and interrupt you if youre talking with an absolute bombshell. Ive tried the I hear you, that sounds hard what are you planning to do about it? with some chronic complainers in the family, and it frequently brings the complaining to a grinding halt. Stop bringing it up daily and tell your boss so s/he can fix this, because if boss fixes the problem by making coworker to their own work, youll be happier and wont need to vent every day. Is this venting steam, or would you like suggestions or problem-solving to reduce this frustration? But it also explains more why their wife may not have taken it well and didnt seem open to it. If shes unwilling to look for a different job then, yes, she should figure out how to deal with the current one in a better mindset. Getting it off my chest, so to speak. In all seriousness, he did have to have a word with me several years back that my near constant complaining about something or another was wearing down *his* mental health and could I summarise things into a shorter time slot and write the rest down in a journal or something? This could either be your partners time to do these things on their own. Let er Rip! For only X/min Ill listen to your complaints and appropriately throw in No!, Really?, She didnt!, Well that sucks. Win-win-win: complainer gets to let it go, SO doesnt have to listen, and I get paid. Lots of awesome ideas above for moving the venting to someplace outside the house/ outside the dinner hour and limiting its duration to what OP can handle. The edited highlights of the day or the endless niggles, furies and ineptitudes of assorted clients, colleagues and canteen staff? She wasnt able to cope with it. That works well for us. Maybe put a time limit on the griping and then turn to happier topics. gossip!"). if I keep quiet than Im going to need a complaining outlet too.. Im dealing with older relatives, one of whom has become a terrible Eeyore. (speaking as a catastrophiser, I know that I can avoid sharing the anecdote about someone who did that and suffered terrible consequences every time someone in my family makes plans), Do you want advice, a sympathetic ear, or do you just need to get this out of your system? is such a helpful framing question. Also, honestly, focusing on negative all the time isnt great. Only when he is talking to anyone else, other family members, friends, neighbors, etc. A place for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage. Yes, we are in pandemic times and everyone is struggling with their own circumstances. Think about it. I agree and am kind of irritated at how many people are saying she needs to fix everything bothering her or can only complain for five minutes or how hard it is to listen to complaints. Everybody needs an outlet to vent, at least occasionally. He is also a talkermust not have liked the competition. Next time she starts, use that to initiate a serious conversation about if she thinks shed be happier in another job. On the other, I can hear it said kind of dismissively. (12-8-22) Though this staff member wasnt my wife and wouldnt complain daily and we are in a professional environment, I found just listening and being there really helped her and to a certain extent lessened how much complaining she did. Men, it would appear, have been right all along: when it comes to the motor-mouth stakes, women beat them into a cocked hat. I dont know if this frame might be helpful for your wife. Then there will be no you left to criticize the mood or even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself, going on forever like a machine. Ive met people like that where the grumble is so ingrained that they can barely say anything nice about anything. I was the wife in this scenario about 7 years ago constant complaining, very unhappy with work, and it was turning me into a very grumpy and frustrated person. I had also been on the receiving end for his own problems, and I knew how it felt to get all the hot steam and then have to deal with that while the other person walked away. I also like the timed aspect: I want to try that. I was going to suggest the 10 minute time limit as well. Are you two routinely setting goals as a couple and achieving them? Heh. Id rather not spend more time on them). Three quick thoughts from me and then Ill throw this out to readers: First, have you clearly told her that the complaining has become too much for you and you need less of it for your own mental health? Perhaps a different time to let her rant, like while you are watching TV? Deals and discounts in Tech & Electronics you dont want to miss. Selftalkplus.com (there is a corresponding book to explain the science behind it). The hour after my spouse gets off work is the time he can vent/complain/not talk about work as he wishes. But those things have stopped, havent they? I am having a physical reaction just thinking about it. I had the same thought. Youre burnt out! Specifically, #143 I lent an ear to a friend, how do I get it back?. My friend group has bi-weekly chats and thats definitely part of what the time is really good for, I think. So Id say a lot depends on the scenario. Finding a joint hobby may help here even if its just a show to watch together or movies or something to create something else to discuss. Either theyre processed and shes stuck in a rut, or theyre still not processed and shes spinning her wheels ranting, and needs help getting over that obstacle. I find that that the say something positive approach has been super helpful for me too when I get in a bit of a funk. 1. I have a very well (perhaps over) developed sense of snark, and while Im complaining, Im also laughing, kwim? You could give him a million dollars and hed complain about having to pay tax on it (instead of whooping with joy at the $750K in his bank account). My partner returned to therapy a few months ago and their complaining to me has almost completely stopped. Why dont you go*insert something he knows she enjoys* while I start dinner?. You are ignoring direct and repeated moderation instructions, so I am putting your comments on pre-moderation going forward. That being said, if its taking over dinner every evening, yeah, thats a bit much. When she snuggles up to you while watching a movie, it shows that she feels safe in your arms. Yeah, Im team ten minutes, and NOT during dinner. Home is pretty far from a work-free zone for many people and couples these days, though. People dont want advice when they dont ask, so getting the intention out of the way first makes it way easier to be an active participant in vent sessions, even if actively participating simply amount to ugh that sucks every so often. That shouldnt be the case because your concern is completely valid, OP, but it could make it harder to have a productive conversation. I also agree that, if it works for your schedule and weather, a fifteen minute walk is ideal. I heard their emotions, I acknowledged they had a right to feel them and said directly that if they needed more feedback or support, they had to get it elsewhere. Like me on Facebook to see more articles like this in your feed. It helped us both for me to unpack what I needed from the complaining. Your wife used to genuinely care about making you smile and bringing light into your life, especially when everything else was stressing you out. Wifes brain might be stuck in work rage mode even if shes trying to change the conversation, so if you can bring her onto a different track of thinking, that could help.). As Chris Rocks says, Women dont want you to talk TALK, they want you to listen-listen! I remember that every time my partner vents to me about his job. This is so encouraging! to do it herself. Its probably all consuming for her at the moment because she might not have a lot of distraction and outlets for non work stuff. Most of the time Im the complainer in our household. She needs to find a counsellor to talk through this with and perhaps even who nudges her to find a profession she can handle better without burning you out. 3. She may or may not know what it is shes looking for out of the complaining, and its not your responsibility to help her figure it out. My spouse does this, and rather than treat them like a child (ok sweetie I am starting a timer now, better make sure youre done in ten minutes! My better halfs mother is a lovely woman, but the most negative person in the free world. She thought of your happiness as one of her responsibilities, not an obligation just because she married you. It really helps put it into perspective and keeps you from a negativity rut. If the day was full of annoying stuff but its the same annoying stuff that its always filled with, I mostly shrug it off. Watch this video right now to learn about 3 techniques that will help you repair your relationship (even if your wife isnt interested at the moment). Hes clearly said he will support my giving 2 weeks notice even if its before I find something new, and listening to my concerns about the changes. It could be that shes waiting for you guys to have kids (if you havent already), or she doesnt agree with your plan for the future. I vent and feel better. If not, it may be worth talking to a doctor at the very least, I know of multiple people who were tipped into depression (or had a relapse) due to covid, so its worth considering if this is an indication of something. Its the work topic zone. When I was a teenager and angry at the world, Id hop on my bike, ride until I was tired, ranting all the while, to no one but myself. I came here to echo to time limit! Men, it would appear, have been right all along: when it comes to the motor-mouth stakes, women beat them into a cocked hat. They managed to break through the noise and give me real solutions. Doesnt make OP a bad person, or his wife a bad person! But still kept that job and complained about it to anyone who would listen. Some languages treat some or all of the following in similar ways: empty strings, null references, the integer 0, the floating point number 0, the Boolean value false, the ASCII character NUL, or other such values. Her recommendation about creating rituals to end the workday feels really good for this situation. My partner and I had a similar issue (one of us is naturally chatty and one of is naturally quiet to add to the mix too). It wasnt hard to break that pattern. As a recovering complainer, I really like this idea! Look, its a tough situation to deal with. She may be unaware how much complaining shes doing. Is she looking for comfort? Its hard when you have a toxin-handling and/or other type of stressful job not to dump some of it out. I have since learned that ANY job would have had the same dynamic, which was helpful to realize. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and Ive spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Does she have other options? 5. Rocco, that is a very kind response and I completely agree that LW can stand to ask themselves if THEY might be putting even an unspoken pressure on her. My best friend still complains constantly and bitterly, so Ive stopped answering those texts and emails and only answer ones that are not about work or have at least a slight positive note. 17) She doesnt try to make you feel better anymore. I just dont react to it anymore- or at least not as often or as deeply. For a moment I thought my husband had written in. Ask her to as well. But I respected that it was their choice and recognized there was nothing I could say or do to change anything. Ninety years of Jim Crow. Anyhoo, I had not actually realized that the daily venting had become so regular, and very annoying to my husband. Privacy Policy and Affiliate Disclosures, my boss is having an affair with a coworker and I found out from his wife, I'm supposed to fire my husband's ex-wife, update: the mom quitting her job because of Covid, https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/02/adult-stepdaughter-naked-in-front-of-father-dear-prudence-advice.html, https://captainawkward.com/2019/11/26/it-came-from-the-search-terms-cold-november-wind/, my good employee is angry about my bad employee, boss insists I get my tonsils out, and more, updates: the coworkers who asks what my clothes cost, the sleeping boss, and more, updates: the bigoted university, the catfishing, and more, updates: boss wants me to be upbeat all the time, the bathroom monitor, and more, update: my new coworker keeps staring at my breasts. PS: from what shes doing now, shes not getting her resentment out; shes reinforcing it. Im a Fixer by nature so listening to this venting was really draining because I was trying to actively listen and problem-solve. Mega project with short time line and unsupportive management? If she just cant seem to focus her attention on anything to do with you, and this is becoming a trend, then it might be that shes decided that there might be no future, and this is her way of letting you down gently. Ask her to spend one day a week not just complaining, but thinking through what is possible for her to change about the situation. It can be even less structured than that. I totally get that its too much for you! First, my spouse and I strictly adhere to cocktail hour after work. She needs an outlet after work. Married life can get boring, and over time we all start to lose ourselves we stop dressing provocatively, taking care of ourselves and the way we look, and working on our appearance, simply because were already tied down and theres no one were trying to impress. Some closing thoughts on complaining: I know I was raised to never express anything negative ever, and it took me a long time to understand that complaining can actually be good, because its, well honest. every night - and I can vouch for the fact that when the chips are down and all things are absolutely equal, men and women chit-chat exactly the same amount. I know the feeling of the OP, and Im similarly at a loss about what to do about it. thats how good empathetic two way type conversations work. My partner never tries to control my time, and if I just said hey I want to zone out and play on my phone for an hour he would say sure thats fine or maybe if he needed something sure thats fine but can you help me move this heavy object first or whatever. So if she used to talk about the future with optimism and excitement and now she doesnt even want to talk about it, that could be a bad sign. Whenever his wife complains excessively, start complaining back! ), The ultimate solution was actually to ditch those jobs. After several weeks off work sick he went back and threw himself into job hunting. If you buy them, we receive a small commission from that sale. Unless youre pairing the suggestion with and while you do that, I will prepare dinner, clean up, vacuum, and make the bed, this would be just a further frustration (because its telling me to use my time on stuff thats just going to push my overall relaxation further into the evening), it would feel condescending, and it would definitely make me feel brushed-off and uncared for. Does it pay well or have really good benefits? Unless you used monkey123 as a password. The woman, now 39, alleged the Backstreet Boys artist raped her when she was 17 in 2001. Being around him is exhausting and can ruin my mood. I just ended up holding the phone away from me and then periodically going uh-huh into the phone and then holding it away again. He was getting more and more frustrated with his job, and the first hour or two after he came back from work was just him ranting about his co-workers, his manager, his managers manager, the high volume of work he completed compared to everyone else, the temperature in the office (old govt building) etc. ! and basically commiserating and patting each other on the back and being encouraging to get through whatever the next couple weeks throws at us. Your wifes friends arent obligated to like you. Talk about it in a more constructive manner with a suggestion at a solution (10 minutes before or after dinner, maybe? It makes me feel better to rant about the stupid report doesnt produce the right results if you put in a date range but if you put in a specific day it does (!!??). This is the downside to no longer commuting. I understand that, but especially in the current climate where Covid has kept social events minimal and we are spending much more time at home, I am the only outlet for the days news. In a way, he's pea****ing and trying to gain your admiration. But also, yeah, if shes ranting and venting every day, I have to wonder if this job is terribly good for her mental health. Im a venter and am taking what Im reading to heart. Are you finding yourself trying to solve her problems, and offering solutions for her? What I have found to be useful for the way my brain works I type up a status update or tweet. Pearl Nash On the rare occasion you get a word in edgewise, you In the moment I was really offended and annoyed but after thinking about it, I realized how much I was burdening him with the groundhog-esque issues (same frustrations and complaints on loop). (Venting and hinting are not always the same as communicating!) Sometimes just listening helps. The intended function of the complaining will have a big impact on the best alternate coping strategies. May not be helpful for this situation, but thought Id share in case anyone else is looking for tools to help them be less negative/complain-y. I dealt with this with my grandmother. I hereby sentence that woman to read all 6542 pages of NotAlwaysRight dot com. Validation? I felt like I was awash in gloom, and since none of them whined *too* too much individually to me, it was hard to justify asking any one of them to dial back. A self-exam might be a good thing before initiating a conversation. My husband and I carpooled when I was working, and that drive home was our Airing of the Days Grievances (ADG) time. But if its everything then its not really a work issue. I dont have concrete suggstions besides trying to put a firm limit on venting-time (20 minutes tops, I say). I dont love my job now but I definitely dont feel the need to vent about it ever either. Finally, he changed jobs, and things are so much better for both of us now! I very much do not think OP is being selfish. Because there is a need. Are you putting hours in to doing X for the two of you, when she would actually prefer you do Y? From experience, its really no fun (at best) to feel like youre somebodys emotional dumping ground. I think hes lost the natural chances to rant about bothersome things with co-workers so its getting filtered down to me and only me instead. Our partners have full transparency, theyve both told one of us to schedule time when things are getting stressful. I especially like the visual as I think it will help me remember to do it. Its a treasure, helps me keep things in perspective. and I think the book was highlighting that this isnt necessarily *healthy,* but in a couple whove talked it out and can joke about it, I could see this lightening the mood. Team or lone performer? If so just do it. I think this is a great idea. By the time she gets home, shes ranted out all of her frustrations and we can have normal conversations. Also, you can phrase it differently for MY spouse I have been saying that sucks, you deserve a better job but truly, Ive been in this sort of situation, and whining endlessly with no plan to do anything about it is very grating. Its normal for the sex life of a long-term couple to start to die down over time, especially after years or decades have been spent together. Agree with location and time limit. about tips. Focus on how it is impacting you, not making it about her. She is an abomination. Sometimes they need to be the one to point it out, because sometimes I can get wrapped up in my own head. Photograph: Wartenberg/Picture Press/Corbis. It sounds like this job is really wearing on you, though. Hack Spirit is one of the leading authorities providing practical and accessible relationship advice. I was the kid in the situation for my entire childhood. But dont expect her to intuit *your* needs from your suggesting changes to *her* process. Have you thought about doing x? for example. Part of the trick and this is very hard to do with a significant other, is just turn off your empathy! I tend to believe people know where the line is between complaining and whining, you know? I gently suggested that, since they used the I just want someone to vent to tactic, they call their EAP, or perhaps reach out to a therapist, and they did, a couple of times, but nothing really stuck. +1, I think limiting it to while youre walking outside helps a lot; it feels like youre not just sitting around complaining (because you literally arent!) I ended up crying one day and asking them to stop talking about workthey were kind of confused but did. Ive definitely been making an effort to vent less. Just the process of getting it all out without worrying about grammar or explanation takes a lot of the steam out of me. Otherwise we can get stuck in it all night. He gets to complain the first half of the loop, I get the second. Your wife is supposed to be with you through thick and thin, as the wedding vows go. So we have somewhat of a compromise where I listen to more complaining that I would prefer (because it would be zero, if it were up to me) but he also understands that its not fair to expect me to be his sole outlet for all his emotional needs on this front. You would still be listening to the complaint, but it doesnt feel so heavy. As soon as your wife comes home, suggest that the first hour is her time. Ultimately she has to make the decision herself to get help but you should explain your boundaries clearly that this cannot continue. EVP, this, exactly! So Id carp and complain and bitch to my spouse. This might sound crazy, but do you have a pet? -BTW these are real life examples of some of my cocktail hour discussions. My angel of a partner was tolerant but there was a rock bottom for me: a bad experience with a customer that snowballed into a huge issue with my boss and realized one of the things that was making me miserable was working with customers. So, its more about cutting down and not eliminating. Many things can slowly infect a marriagedistance, lack of communication and sexual issues. While I understand that, if I have to hear every day how *badcoworker* dumps extra work on you bc s/hes lazy and unmotivated and you continue to do the work and never tell your boss about the problem, then YES, thats a situation that needs fixing. Pops was wise enough not to offer up suggestions or remedies. I told him that I loved him, and that I was worried because he seemed really down about work. Maybe shell see how frustrating it would be to have to be on the other end of that all the time and will keep her complaints to that journal. Thats why I suggest making it something maybe you both can do (I mean, we all complain) so youre sort of in it together. Hell yes, this. I agree it could be really helpful for the OP! Three weeks later she had a new job. And if you try to initiate some kind of physical contact, does she seem to subtly push you away? You've crossed the line, Houston said, if you're hiding any aspect of your relationship from your spouse, meeting after work for social rather than work situations, start moving your conversations from business to personal topics, and specifically, if you start complaining about your real spouse. My mom spent 20 years in a dysfunctional government office where she was overworked and underappreciated. That you didnt recognize when Oak slid from vent to verge is less because of your boundary setting and more because you are not a mental health professional. The average woman clocks up 20,000 spoken words every day, against the paltry male score of 7,000; she speaks more quickly than he does, devotes more of her brainpower to doing so and actually gets a buzz from the sound, According to one American researcher, Dr Louann Brizendine, the reason for our garrulousness can be found in scientific study. She might even believe that you deserve whatever you might be feeling because her perception of you has just become so toxic. I used to be this person. So sometimes I just have to say stop talking at me, come and give me a cuddle and Ill tell you a funny thing that happened today. We do our venting while we walk the dog. There will always be arguments and bickering, especially when youre married and the honeymoon phase is long over. I really am excited to make brownies tomorrow, and Im glad my new mascara came in the mail! If I had any power in the situation, I would have had a meta-conversation about the dynamic and my limits, and recognized that both parties had conflicting needs, and forced a resolution that would meet both sets of needs. And then no more complaining if you arent seeking solutions. Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations, like when your wifes feelings for you have changed. I was yelling at my kitchen yesterday, and my grandson started laughing. LW will know best about this, but if shes not a contant complainer by nature, and if she has this much to complain about every day, the problem is the job. And because we reflected on it and decided, it has worked. Re: commuting being a time to decompress I was thinking of the interview that Alison did with the EAP person, where she said that walking around the block for 10 minutes before and after work helped her to create mental separation and decompress from her stressful job while working at home. Be careful about complaining about work in writing on the internet, if theres any chance, no matter how remote, that it might get back to the employer. A couple of weeks ago I met up with some work colleagues for dinner we hadnt seen each other in person for months, and of course we launched straight into a rant about our various work woes. Not that no one should ever complain about anything, but theres value in knowing your audience and picking your battles. It doesn't appear in any feeds, and anyone with a direct link to it will see a message like this one. My partner and I have both done therapy throughout the years, so were familiar with the process and its benefits. He complained about the neighbors car parked in the street in front of their own house! If shes venting, then that is going to be *infuriating*. Some things that have made it easier for me: Personal anecdote . Im not really sure theres much I CAN do and you KNOW Ive spent the last six weeks frantically trying to think of anything I can do to deal with the worst case scenario (which was unlikely, but also really bad if it did turn out to be the case). So what am I going to do? Im now at a job where I am far more connected to my coworkers, more confident in my work and overall just happier. I think sometimes people vent because they want to talk about something, and its what they have to talk about. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track. AAMs advice is sound. I had this issue with my boyfriend (whom I live with) last year. Partners are supposed to have each others backs, even when it doesnt seem like the best thing to do. It can be tough to fake sympathy but I had to. The more tired my daughter is the more she talks and the less she reads me. Ive done some work on myself via therapy and reflection since then and realized Ive been acting out the same relationship that my dad had to workbelieving in meritocracy to the extent that you refuse to see youre not being rewarded, feeling ashamed if anyone helps you, being unable to protest poor treatment without shame. (Did I pick this up during a pandemic homeschool/lockdown/work surge? We go for a short walk before dinner. If work is the biggest thing that happens in your life, then of course its going to be most of what you talk about. Also consider some counselling for yourself, this is not easy to handle on your own. Dont publish, simply type whatever rant Im feeling. This is not that. I dont have the answers unfortunately. :). Society advances one funeral at a time. And also having a clear conversation about it like Alison suggests. My mother-in-law lives with us and to hear her litany of complaints, with no positive interactions is absolutely draining and I dread spending more than a couple of minutes with her. Complaints are interspersed with a funny thing happened at work. Figure out what the complaint says about that persons values (e.g. And your partner is supposed to be there with you and complete you, making you feel that your flaws arent as bad as you might think, or that you can work on them with her support. I realize there are a lot of assumptions here. from the more physical expressions of anger, which creates a link in your subconscious of anger = feels good which then makes your brain want to be angry more to get those benefits. Because 1) they had no power, and 2) I didnt want validation: I wanted change. Also, youre not attacking the person, you are addressing the behaviour you want to see change. That is a very common feeling in high -pressure jobs I cant leave because Id let my team fail, therefore I have to set myself on fire to keep them warm. Is it a prolonged vent because OP keeps trying to change the subject? That being said, if my partner tried to coax me into a two bad, one good structure or something similar, I would lose it. And now he says hes too old and no one else will want to hire him. I dont want to complain about work very often anymore. Its not that she necessarily hates you (although she might); she just cant find it in her to care long enough about you to wonder whether youre doing alright. We make a loop. lol. Even after the work conversation would wrap up and we moved on to other things, he would constantly manage to bring up work complaints as part of unrelated conversations. Just an example of how you cant always just leave. Shes fallen out of love and she barely thinks about you at all, and she uses her time away from you to think about herself and her own life, and possibly, a new life without you. Play board games or video games, watch a movie, plan a hike, do a puzzle. This is not a time to talk through it she just wants to complain and wants me to listen. I think some of us vent in lieu of trying to find strategies that might actually help because venting/complaining is easier. if its available to OPs wife, I agree with Alisons suggestion that she needs to plan a change in work environment. We do apples and onions what was good, what was not so good about your day. In a time when were trying to desexualize the workplace, do we really need a cutesy, romantic label for some platonic workplace friendships? But I paid her an hourly rate and she had a supervisor to go to in order to deal with the fallout of peoples second hand trauma. It is no accident that chatterbox is only a term of endearment when applied to children; among grown-ups a conversation is, or should be, a. Sometimes its about petty stuff, sure, but just because someone else has it worse or its not nice doesnt mean it needs to be completely shut down. I have no useful advice to contribute but Im bookmarking this page to read later. Some of the things that were helpful for me were: more engagement in the conversation (things like that sucks, Im sorry or yeah, it seems like they handled that really poorly), offers to help reduce my stress level in general (for example, temporarily redistributing household responsibilities), alone time and space to decompress, finding other things for us to talk about or do together, and expanding my support system/having more other people to complain to. Like this person: I cant remember where I read it, but a woman shared her after work stress relief ritual. Youre judging your wife because she likes to complain and you think thats wrong. That made me realize all I did was complain to her, and that it was more habit than anything else. Because if the answer is no, it complicates the advice. We implemented a rule where when one of us needs to vent, the other asks Do you want me to listen or do you want me to help? If they just want you to listen, they get 5 minutes. So, ask questions, direct the conversation and inform him, so glad to hear about your day, sweet cakes, but I need to study. And it prevents me from talking in circles trying to get that validation. 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