It's so upsetting that they try to resolve the negative feelings and problems of people close to them. Lachlan Brown Not every HSP struggles with this. I could have easily blamed the other person for the way they made me feel, but again I would be conflating their influence over my feelings with my responsibility for how and what I did with those feelings. Responsible to: Really thinking about whether you need to reassure them or not. If you are struggling to manage your dark side, then heres how to get started. Since the other is likely to respond with more anger or withdrawal, you end up feeling bad from the interaction. Please note: If you are experiencing a crisis and need immediate support, contact the national suicide prevention line at 1-800-273-8255 or call 911. Stop feeling overly responsible for others. Best-selling author, seminar leader and co-creator of Inner Bonding. But you can learn ways to protect yourself after a. What if we could change the narrative to: If I can own and express what I feel and need, then Ill have my own back and feel safe within myself? I know that its sometimes difficult, but the true loving response isnt to go and save them but lovingly remind them of their own strengths. After my friend left, she felt heavily burdened by all those problems they discussed. A therapist might be able to help you identify when youre being defensive, deflecting blame, or not being emotionally responsible. If they are not, they will blame us for their . They approach the world differently and possess certain qualities and habits that make them truly unique. Emotional responsibility includes being accountable for not only our actions and behaviors, but also our thoughts and our feelings. No, I am not saying that you are delusional or out of touch with reality, but your version of reality is infused with a sense of responsibility that does not exist. But each time I keep my loving adult self present and take loving care of my feelings, the lesson hits home anew -- all my feelings really are my responsibility. A number of years ago, while dialoguing with my inner spiritual guidance, she told me that one of my soul's lessons is to learn to respond lovingly no matter what -- with no conditions under which it is okay to respond unlovingly. And this is the exact problem with people-pleasing. If you have, youre not alone. In reality, this seems to be one of the most challenging things on this planet. We associate emotions with feelings, but they are also signals. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. Enter the delta male. "This action demonstrates the importance of investors' assuring themselves that their investments are being handled by responsible persons and being appropriately managed," said Phyllis J. Cela, acting director of the enforcement division at the C.F.T.C. You can choose to support them instead by encouraging them or telling them where they can find information or help they need. Life can be challenging as a man. The greatest lesson you can learn in life? - The child becomes a source of emotional support and caregiving to parents. No. If you pay careful attention to your emotions, you will discover, in your relationships with others, that it is often not another's behavior that is creating your misery or your inner peace or joy, but rather your own responses. Especially if youve grown up in an environment where your feelings and needs were ridiculed or ignored. It can also take a toll on your mental health because, subconsciously, you may begin to view your world as filled with people you blame for your feelings. Part of feeling responsible for other's emotions is seeking self-worth from people. Yes, it creates the same drama in your life. Here Are 4 Things You Should Know If You Feel Responsible For Other Peoples Feelings. Imagine being in a place emotionally where their attempt to control or guilt you had no effect? Many of the people who struggle to forge and sustain healthy relationships, or have confidence issues at work, and/or grapple with feelings of low self-worth, are over-responsible. So guess what does it do with you? When we interact with others, we think that we are the cause of their reactions and emotions. Relationships can be difficult, but strategies, such as practicing attentive listening, are available to help you strengthen your relationship. Lets find out. 2) By anticipating another persons thoughts and feelings, we are basically proposing to think for them. The definition of responsible is being the person thing that caused something to happen. We are all responsible for what we do with our emotions and our actions. Boundaries can be difficult to set and maintain, especially if you have unresolved feelings. Some of our feelings, such as heartbreak and grief from losing a loved one, or helplessness over others, or loneliness when we want to share love with another and no one is available, are caused . It can be the other way around - if a child begins to equate its own happiness with the approval of its teachers or family members - then it will begin to feel trapped or in conflict. The concept of feelings and emotions is fascinating by itself, but one of the most interesting parts of it is the phenomenon of gut feeling. As all men are not created equal, it is crucial to know where a man stands in the socio sexual hierarchy. If you werent doing this, what would you be doing instead? This just means youre going to have to be persistent. We are not directly responsible for other people's emotions in the same way that we are not directly responsible for another person's breathing, walking or eating. Today Im going to unpack why youre not responsible for other peoples feelings, and how people-pleasing can be detrimental to yourself and your relationships with others. Unless we do something intentionally hurtful to someone, the emotions they are experiencing are those that they have created for themselves. Of course, we caninfluencehow another person feels. We do not have the power to directly enter another person's mind and switch their fear emotion on or off. Last Updated March 3, 2022, 4:47 am. It is incredibly important to establish clear emotional boundaries, or we can become so overwhelmed and overstimulated by what's going around us that it's sometimes hard to function. So, is it my responsibility for those feelings? Because we each have a unique lens that creates our world. 3 3.How Feeling Responsible for Other's Emotions Sabotages You and 4 4.You're Not Responsible for Other People's Feelings - Introvert, Dear; 5 5.CBT Training Examples: Responsible for Others' Feelings; 6 6.If You're Too Nice And Worried About Other People's Feelings 7 7.The Myth of Managing Emotions | Psychology Today; 8 8 . People are at different stages and levels of consciousness, so you can choose to do the good for people who are waiting for it. However, we are never given more than we can handle, and each time I learn to respond lovingly in a new situation, I feel more loved, safe and valued. They need your attention and they arent necessarily interested in solving the problem. We want to help others because we genuinely care. Yes and no. Someone who is super smart and knows a lot about everything. Maybe you know the feeling a manager asks if you can work a couple of extra hours one night. In your example, you are actively provoking a feeling of anger or sadness, as you are perpetrating an action that needs no . But most of the time, this isnt the case. In relationships, responsibility is far more fluid than we give it credit. After all, who would we be if we didnt feel anything? Like me on Facebook to see more articles like this in your feed. We all do. And if someone made it a big deal, well, guess whose responsibility that was? Here are treatments and self-help methods to overcome it. A victim is anyone who suffers harm or loss - to whom the act of being harmed is attributed to third party responsibility. As you can see, responsibility is a two-way street. Youd be totally valid in what you feel and yes, I very much influenced your feelings of anger and sadness. Heres how to become more emotionally responsible. Some people just want you to feel sorry for them and it makes them feel good. They make you pay attention to what you're not doing right.". And I reveal a step-by-step process for you to transform your life in the same way. Sunday Firesides: You Are Not Responsible for Other People's Feelings. Failing to recognize this causes many people to get lost in the idea of managing others emotions. They will lose their feelings, thoughts, needs and desires. You are only responsible for yourself, your stuff, your actions, and your attitude. Start tuning into your actions. For example, if your partner is going on a work trip and tends not to call you often while theyre away, you could say, I worry about you when youre traveling. Lachlan Brown They never have been and they never will be. Why others are not responsible for your thoughts or feelings. Particularly when it comes to our feelings of shortcomings or unworthiness. For instance, I in the past have been known to agree to something and then sheepishly back out of it last minute because I didnt want to do the thing in the first place (sorry to literally everyone Ive done this to!). We want to help others because we genuinely care. Sometimes you can better articulate your thoughts when you write something out. Taking on everyone's responsibilities is often a sign of conflict avoidance. In short, our existence. Here are a few signs that indicate you have a tendency to take responsibility for peoples' happiness, feelings, d. Look, confrontation is never fun, and you might be tempted to ignore your needs to avoid it. If they are mature, they will process their own disappointment and own it. For an example: your friend is overweight and is insecure about her weight. This seems to be harder to internalize, perhaps because women are so deeply socialized to take the blame and responsibility for how other people feel. Make sure to speak up for what you need, but use your common sense to be respectful for others. The relationship becomes inauthentic because each interaction is false. Codependency For Dummies. It becomes difficult for a people-pleaser to voice their true feelings they are aware of because theyre in a habit of doing the opposite. What would happen if that was the default? When you . I can appreciate how difficult it is to hold this perspective in mind when it comes to going through conflict with a loved one. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. If you struggle with this feeling then you need to realize that youre NOT responsible for someones emotions or their lives. If you or someone else tries to blame or guilt-trip someone else for how youre feeling right now, that is called emotional projection.. You have not responded as a loving adult in a way that leads to being treated respectfully. I know that this topic resonates with so many of you as you genuinely care about others. Our website services, content, and products are for informational purposes only. Anger? This is called emotional responsibility. You must take responsibility over your own actions, behaviors and needs. . It ruins relationships, families and even careers. Some people take too much responsibility for how others feel, others take no responsibility at all. In other words, instead of saying, I am responsible for how Im feeling right now, youre deflecting and saying you are responsible for how I feel. This can lead to guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and some pretty heated arguments. Our actions shape our lives and we alone are responsible for them. Look, I could sit here all day and say, youre not responsible for other peoples feelings, so just stop it! but that wouldnt be entirely true. Right? As long as you communicate your needs honestly and respectfully, it doesnt matter how you do it. Like cars driving alongside one another, its each drivers responsibility to communicate clearly, using their signals and breaks, and to take care of where theyre going. It is deeply gratifying to me to know that my feelings are always my responsibility because then I can do something about feeling badly -- I can practice responding lovingly no matter what. They may lack the confidence about being able to help themselves and if youd treat them like a small kid and taking off their burdens how would they learn their value? However, it is not my responsibility for how you choose to express and share your feelings with me. If you or someone else. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Ideally, whether youre in a monogamous, polyamorous, or open relationship, its important to recognize that you are part of an equation, just like its important for your partner(s) to recognize as well. Taking responsibility for someone else's feelings is actually the most insensitive thing we can do because we are crossing into another's territory. Your own unloving behavior toward another is also unloving toward yourself. I constantly analyze people to ensure I know how they are fee. If you need to flag this entry as abusive. - Children constantly trying to accommodate how their parents feel. We are victims when we suffer and attribute our grief to someone else. And whats the easiest way to not blame? Nor can we control them. Many of us naturally feel responsible for other peoples feelings. Feelings are weird, if you ask me. A friend or relative would like you to attend an event you sincerely don . You have to do what you have to do to take care of yourself, meet your own needs, and hold your own boundaries. Or, maybe you let the person know how youre feeling in response to what they just said. Did you like my article? To put it very simply, if you think and talk about other peoples lives, then you call into your life THEIR energy. We think, if I can just bend to what the other person needs, then theyll feel happy, wont leave me, and Ill be safe. Does it hurt them? Trust me, if I can use the teachings of Buddhism to brighten and empower my life, you can too. In fact, its a good thing. This means that if someone is always blaming you for their feelings, in all likelihood, you wont be able to stop them from doing so, even if you become more emotionally responsible yourself. We look at 10 exercises you can try today. As adults, however, we all can learn to manage these painful feelings. Lachlan Brown The fear of making mistakes or being imperfect is known as atelophobia. It just requires mindfulness of your thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions. But if you project your emotions onto someone else, you can cause real harm to yourself and others something you probably already know if youve been on the receiving end of someone saying you make me miserable in a fight. Look, on the surface, people-pleasing might not sound all that bad. By believing that youre responsible for other peoples feelings, and can even change those feelings, youre robbing them of their personal power within the relationship. If you are not responsible for how another person feels, who are you responsible for? Linda Mintle. If youre not comfortable asking for you needs to be met face-to-face, then send an email. Did it work? This appears to be the way our souls grow when we have opted for spiritual growth. We are not responsible for other people's feelings. Have you ever been in a really bad fight, maybe with a partner, and had them tell you that youre making them miserable? Do you feel responsible for other peoples feelings? Responsible to: Expressing curiosity about the thinking of others. On the deeper level of your core painful feelings, others' unloving behavior causes loneliness, heartache, heartbreak and helplessness over emotions. W hether trained or self-taught earlier in life, they've learned to be responsible for other people's feelings, opinions, behaviour, needs, expectations and desires. However, try to remember that someone elses feelings are not always yours to take care of, just like its not someone elses sole responsibility to manage your strong emotions. If you pay careful attention to your emotions, you will discover, in your relationships with others, that it is often not another's behavior that is creating your misery or your inner peace or joy, but rather your own responses. In fact, you might be fuming! There are two reasons this is an issue that needs to be addressed: 1) We are deceiving ourselves into believing we can somehow help the situation (and help them). Research has also shown that emotional projection is common in people with certain personality disorders, including those with borderline, histrionic, psychopathic, or narcissistic personality disorders. To put it very simply, if you think and talk about other people's lives, then you call into your life THEIR energy. INFJs might feel guilty if someone they love fails or if they . Gut feeling is unconscious, irrational and intuitive. But many of our feelings, such as anger, anxiety, depression, hurt, guilt, or shame, are caused by our own thoughts and . 1. Responsible for: Always replying "no worries!" when people apologize in an email. Not everyone is ready to receive love. If they're not willing to help you, you should find another way to get your needs met instead of trying to manipulate or force them into satisfying your request. What does it mean to be responsible for your own feelings? If I tell you, Hey, I think you suck as a human being! youre likely going to feel angry about what I just said. How do you get there if you've got love, but everything else is shaky? My book, Guiding Principles for Life Beyond Victim Consciousness, goes into great detail about learning the difference between these two ways of perceiving the world. And no one is responsible for yours either. The first truth you need to understand is this: If youre playing a game of trying to make everyone around you happy, then youre not going to win. And, if they are burdensome to another person, you might want to evaluate whether or not that person is healthy for you. Be authentic, be yourself, and take responsibility for what you know is right. You can use your good intentions and loving heart for people who are ready for it. December 2, 2022, 12:03 pm, by In other words, if youre upset with your partner because they forgot to do the dishes, its OK to tell them how youre feeling, but try not to use this as an excuse to attack them for everything or say that the dirty dishes are the sole reason youre unhappy. If you need to take a few deep breaths or a walk around the block to calm down, thats OK too. Thats why emotional projection is considered a defense mechanism you might not even be fully aware youre doing it but, subconsciously, your mind is looking for anyone else to blame but yourself. This doesnt make your relationship with them stronger (which is what we try unconsciously to do), it just means that you have their energy in your life that is causing the havoc. By Jill Dahl. The fact is you can heal only your half of . If people-pleasing is a big issue for you, then here is a four-step process that may help you: Think about what you need. You are not responsible for the way your partner feels. Intelligence comes in many forms and most highly intelligent individuals dont even know how smart they actually are. Since youre reading these words, its very likely that youre an empath (a highly sensitive individual). Or switch their happiness emotion . I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. Eventually someone can, often without knowing, feel constantly uneasy unless approved of - so something inside only gives permission for relaxation if they are . We tend to be our own worst critics. And when it does come out, all hell might break loose. And therefore, you are responsible for managing yourself, and other adults are responsible for managing their feelings and behaviors without your interference and concern. An example of responsible is the type of person who you trust to watch your child. So if you want to get better at becoming emotionally responsible, a good step in the right direction is taking care of yourself. Then she would gather herbs and plants by the rocks near the forest and speak to nature. And no one is responsible for your feelings either. The only feelings you have full control over are your own. This is partly because the act of taking responsibility for one's own feelings: reduces our tendency to take responsibility for other's feelings (and therefore entering into codependent . 2. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 . 2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. INFJ. The person who made me late is really code for: I didnt assert myself or make it clear that I had places to be. Im so sorry that I caused you pain. At the time, I found this very challenging. Recently, a friend of mine told me about the visit to her best friend who has relationship problems. All rights reserved. Your dark side gives rise to thoughts and feelings that make you afraid yet tempted. How To Stop Taking Responsibility For Other People's Feelings, What Causes Self-Doubt (and 5 Steps To Undo It), Heartfelt Online Therapy, Seattle, WA 98104. February 8, 2020. As a result, you can develop better coping skills for your emotions through emotional regulation. Were only in charge of our own emotions. On the deeper level of your core painful feelings, others' unloving behavior causes loneliness, heartache, heartbreak and helplessness over emotions. Responsible to: Expressing curiosity about the thinking of others. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. Sign #2: Conflict Avoidance. She wanted to figure out a way how to help her best friend feel better. If you waste all your energy on people, who value pain more than you cant help where it makes a difference. But if you take responsibility for your life and live it the best way you can, then it simply must be done. Although we think we are giving an opinion on something or . Perhaps you set a boundary saying, I want to work through this with you, but not like this. December 10, 2022, 9:41 am, by Youll also learn a technique to help you stand up for yourself and take back your personal power. Listen to the Full Episode: A sparrow and a lurking cat. Can I make it up to you? and hopefully youd either a) recognize that Im a bit strange for saying what I said earlier or b) youd forgive me, see it as a weird blip, and wed move forward. You can do things to become more emotionally responsive, so if you notice yourself deflecting blame, you might want to consider practicing this change in mentality. Let's make a big distinction between passive influence and active influence, because to me, that's where you draw the line. She also felt responsible for making her best friend happy. Heres a helpful video that you may find interesting: SYLVIA SALOW is a life coach, public speaker, and author. No, in that I am not responsible in what you do with those feelings. In the spirit of breaking things down, lets start with the first truth: I can appreciate how difficult it is to hold this perspective in mind when it comes to going through conflict with a loved one. I really struggle with feeling responsible for other people's emotions, including my therapist. Here is a 4-step process that will help you stand up for what you need. Ilona Andrews. False responsibility and its origins False responsibility refers to an attitude when you feel responsible for things that, objectively, you arent responsible for and shouldnt feel. 2005-2022 Psych Central a Red Ventures Company. They're saying we're only responsible for the things we can control and, beyond you doing your best to be a good person, you can't control other people's feelings. No one is a mind-reader, so expecting other people in our life to know what we need is a sure way to set ourselves up for disappointment. I repeat this often at my workshops; under all that dirt and fear is love. If youre a people-pleaser, you may go out of your way to do things for the people in your life, based on what you assume they want or need. Many of these ways are fairly obvious: addictions to substances and activities, staying in your mind rather than in your body, or judging yourself. This is great because you can practice taking back your power. Boundaries are where we begin and another person ends. You feel ashamed or fearful when you make a mistake. The next step is understanding it's not personal, because others reactions are about them. When your dark side is in control, you dont recognize yourself. So rather than try to change someone else, focus on your own behavior. It wasnt easy at first, as I was so used to being the pleaser who was always available, but after a few attempts I realized that it was really no big deal. If you pay careful attention to your feelings, you will discover that when you are willing to compassionately embrace your core painful feelings without protecting against them with your own unloving behavior, you do not feel anxious, depressed, stressed or miserable. We are responsible when we answer for our actions, feelings or for something that was entrusted to us. We make our own choices in life. Their sense of empathy is what causes them to take on this responsibility over others. And if their current state of mind is the wish to complain, then this is their choice. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), an approach that focuses on our thoughts and actions, is effective in reducing the anxiety caused by responsibility for others' happiness. As we noted, its hard to change other people, especially if they dont want to or dont think they are doing something wrong. As a people-pleaser, you believe that you can influence someones feelings, or change how they feel about you. When you respond to another's unloving behavior with anger, blame, resistance, withdrawal or compliance, you will likely end up feeling anxious, stressed or depressed. Youll find that youll consistently feel more power within yourself. My friend did her best to make her friend happy, but it didnt work out. Right? The short answer is both yes and no. Another major way we avoid or try to get rid of our painful feelings is making others responsible for them in various ways. When we do not answer for our feelings and . Playing is just as important for adults, with physical, mental, and stress-busting effects. You might be dealing with an energy vampire. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. It makes you feel like shit and like hitting your head against the wall. by The subliminal affirmations focus on these three elements: It can help you recognize that you are a separate and autonomous being with needs and wants. Do you feel responsible for other peoples feelings? The Sun was always happy to hear her voice. When you're living with unresolved trauma, you're living in a constant state of perceived danger, which means your instincts are sharp. But none of us ever talk about it because we are afraid and ashamed of it. She also helps people to heal and understand their limiting beliefs, fears, and emotional pain. When a breaking point with an intense feeling is reached, it is easy to blame others for what we are experiencing. If you buy through links on this page, we may earn a small commission. Yes, I know we should experience the whole spectrum of human emotions, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)DepressionAnxietyObsessive Compulsive DisorderMore Topics, Depression TestPTSD TestExtraversion & Introversion TestEmotional Intelligence TestMore Tests, TheMindsJournal.comMind.HelpPartnered withWorld Mental Healthcare Association, 13 Habits Of Highly Intelligent People That Make Them Truly Unique. This is why learning that youre not responsible, nor in control, of other peoples feelings is a valuable lesson a people-pleaser needs to hear. Some people will get emotional when you stand up for what you need. Emotions make life complicated. If they are mature, they will process their own disappointment and own it. You feel mortified when something goes wrong at work, even when it's a team effort. Emotions make life complicated. In fact, as we discussed above, its manipulative, superficial, and leads to inauthentic relationships. Check out my latest book on the Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life. It ruins relationships, families and even careers. ). They see others responsible for their struggles and are on the lookout for someone to take care of them.". They can then help guide you to work to change those perceptions. The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except as expressly permitted in writing by Brown Brothers Media Pte. Have you ever noticed that when you were too involved in the life of someone else that you began to experience similar problems? Its OK to tell your partner what you need or that certain things they do upset you. If you mess up, take responsibility for it. The thing we all have control over is how we choose to respond to what were feeling. Speaking of personal power, I highly recommend you check out Ideapods course on how to develop your own personal power. Its a common way misunderstandings happen in relationships. Of course, you do. And its a defense mechanism you likely developed in adolescence. Just as we are the only one responsible for our actions. Many of us naturally feel responsible for other people's feelings. This is especially difficult when someone is behaving in a way that feels unloving to us -- attacking, blaming, lying, guilting, and so on. - In high-conflict, stressful, or traumatic situations, children soothe and regulate the parent's . One of our greatest challenges is to understand what, as adults, personal responsibility means regarding our own feelings and behavior. Emotions make us who we are and it adds meaning to our lives. Answer (1 of 11): This is a really good question. That is a good thing, but it's better to direct your help at people who WANT to be helped. While its no secret that it can be difficult to stop this habit and learn to stand up for yourself, there are ways to learn to stop people-pleasing and stand up for what you believe in. Not to mention that people can easily take advantage of a people-pleaser, knowing that theyll say yes to any demand. This is the same energy that has created the drama in their lives in the first place. On the deeper level of your core feelings, other's unloving behavior causes loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, and helplessness over them. Hack Spirit is one of the leading authorities providing practical and accessible relationship advice. In Nonviolent Communication and other communication frameworks, there's the concept of having responsibility for your own feelings and needs.In other words, if you want something from others, it's your job to ask for it. Rather than both people interacting properly, its actually the relationship of power and control thats running the relationship. That is something you have charge of. Jim Rohn. Responsible for: Forcing people to share their feelings and thoughts about a situation. Probably one of the most ubiquitous problems faced by people pleasers is the tendency to take responsibility for other peoples feelings. So hold your ground, and stand up for what you know is right. A lot of the time individuals who do this discover that they are deeply afraid of asking for what they need. But while their choices are responsible for causing these feelings, you, as an adult, are responsible for managing them. At the end of the day, we have very limited control over other peoples behavior, feelings, and beliefs. We have to find a way for all of us to feel entitled to what we need. Ill be the first to admit that speaking up for yourself isnt a piece of cake. When you respond to another's unloving behavior with anger, blame, resistance, withdrawal or compliance, you will likely end up feeling anxious, stressed or depressed. Of course, another situation is when they specifically ask you to help them. On the one hand, apologizing is a social convention that keeps interactions between people polite, and in that way it can be very helpful. Of course, what we do and say can affect or hurt others. In my new eBook, I take you on a journey from my days as a lost 20-something hefting TVs in a warehouse to embracing Buddhism and creating the life of my dreams. Responsible is defined as making good decisions and caring for others. As soon as we begin to anticipate anothers reaction based on our behavior, we introduce inauthenticity into the relationship. In essence, being responsible for your feelings (and only yours) is about switching a pattern of belief. Although we are responsible for our own feelings, what we feel is also influenced, heightened, dampened, or muted by others. But heres the thing: you are not responsible for other peoples feelings, just like they are not responsible for yours. "I don't believe you," I jutted out my chin like a petulant toddler. The secret lies in identifying which negative emotions make you feel like shit and knowing how to deal with them. There are plenty of other reasons in someone elses life that they feel and act the way they do. For example, I once was in a heated debate about Lena Dunham (I was on her side) and I remember getting so mad that I went in the brooding direction and made the other person pay the price by my crushing silence. It was founded by Lachlan Brown in 2016. I guess that many of you have this experience. So we suppress it and keep it hidden away from the world, even our loved ones. Intelligence comes in many forms and most highly intelligent individuals dont even know howRead More 13 Habits Of Highly Intelligent People That Make Them Truly Unique. You will not . Learn this and. After all, being nice to people around you doesnt seem so bad. Dr. Henry Cloud explains it like this from his book, Boundaries: "Controlling nonresponsives have a hard time looking past themselves. Then you have permission to intervene in their life. This can help you protect yourself and focus on your own well-being. Not only is it false, but it will do damage to your relationships. For example, two different people could be told that their suggestions made at the staff meeting were "stupid and idiotic.". Even though the other person may be at fault, even though the other person wronged you, you are still responsible for your own feelings. You're. Their reactions are not your responsibility. They also have a hard time understanding who they truly are and what they really feel. This is the same problem that we spoke about above. But by the same token, you do not create other people's thoughts. I went through it myself, and the lessons it teaches are all about how to take responsibility for your life and develop your own mental toughness. This is the same energy that has created the drama in their lives in the first place. Sonja Grace. Teal explains that our responsibility is a choice and that we need to learn how to choose want we . You dont need to set boundaries for other people only for yourself. Paul Brian The keyword here is feeling. Trump, 76, also questioned President Biden's decision to free "one of the biggest arms dealers anywhere in the world" in a Truth Social post Thursday, claiming Bout was "responsible for . Appreciate yourself. Every person is responsible for their own emotions. Feeling down? By juliebouchonville. This is especially true if we know how our actions or remarks can affect the other person's feelings. You already know that youre respecting your own needs, and youre not unfairly encroaching on theirs. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt, Related: The Subtle Art Of NOT Giving A Fuck. But if you want to change your circumstances and build healthier relationships, becoming more emotionally responsible can go a long way. Having a healthy relationship with yourself is extremely important when it comes to living a happy and content life. Its of much greater service if you tell them that they have their own guidance system and that they can trust it. "People obviously thought their money was in good hands and clearly had not done enough checking to be sure of that". Hack Spirit. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and Ive spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Some people value suffering over happiness, and there is nothing you can do about it unless they genuinely ASK you for help and theyre ready to do the work. When I realized that I had full reign over my feelings, time, and energy limits, it freed me up to speak honestly. Me too, buddy. Or, you could feel deeply sad and hurt that I would say that to you. 30 Signs Of The Common Man, How To Improve Your Relationship With Yourself, Feeling Down? We cannot control our emotions, as they are spontaneous forces that occur before our conscious mind does, but we do get to control what we do with them after they arise. When you fully embrace the sadness, sorrow, loneliness, grief, heartache, heartbreak and helplessness, you move through these core painful feelings very quickly and into loving action on your own behalf. And here is the reason. And perhaps this is why we are even more scared of our dark side. The Burden: Feeling Responsible For Everyone. The Takeaway You are responsible for your stuff and everyone else is responsible for theirs. A mentor of mine once said that trauma survivors can sniff out the inauthenticity of their healthcare . If youre finding it hard not to feel blamed or responsible for someone elses feelings, therefore, consider taking a break from that person or putting some distance between you and them. Yeah, I really showed them. The delta male is the common, everyday man who can be f. Having a healthy relationship with yourself is extremely important when it comes to living a happy and content life. As Lori Gordon writes, you might be a factor in their life that influences their experience, but you cannot take responsibility for their. Ive met more caring people than not in my life, and I also know that if youre one of them, then you have a hard time defining your boundaries. Im Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. All rights reserved. Hi. Feeling responsible for others' happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The reactions of other people are not your responsibility. These are the kinds of things that run through many men . But thats not completely true, is it? We are not completely immune from responsibility because at the end of the day we still have to be responsible for ourselves. In other words, consider whether your reaction to a situation is in proportion to reality and whether someone truly deserves as much blame for your negative emotions as you may be casting. Imagine you are in the drive-through of your local coffee shop on your way to work. A therapist can also work with you to help you become more comfortable with your feelings, which, in turn, can help make it easier for you not to blame others. As children we could not manage core pain and were victims of others' choices, but as . Collapsing back into the tufted leather loveseat, I conceded, "I want to believe you, but I can't.". Psych Central does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. "I can't break up with her; she'd be devastated.". A licensed counsellor and therapist, Susan Carrell (author of Escaping Toxic Guilt), came up with a 3-step-method to overcoming toxic guilt: speak your truth, claim territory and brace for the storm. But when you accept responsibility for your behavior, it becomes easier to take responsibility for your feelings too. Its downright uncomfortable and tricky at times. However, I would hope that that person would recognize it was not his responsibility for how I responded. But most of the time, this isn't the case. There are so many ways a person can express their anger toward you, for instance. In other words, other people do not "cause" your feelings. And because youre not being authentic yourself, you rob yourself of the power of authenticity. Image by suju. You simply cannot control other peoples emotions, nor should you. Here's how to i.d. 2) Boundaries are about YOU. I know that this sounds harsh, but its true. And everyone else is responsible for theirs. Wed probably feel a lot less drained at the end of the day and hell, our relationships might actually balance out. I want you to know that if youre struggling with feelings of anxiety, confusion, and frustration, its okay. Other support option includes: the crisis text line by texting HOME to 741741to connect to a crisis counselor. Protect yourself from other people's "stuff." The way to get to this place is to truly accept that your needs might cramp another persons style, but that doesnt make them wrong. If you weren't getting any self-worth from them, you wouldn't be negatively impacted by guilt, feeling selfish if you don't help, or their attempt to control you. If youve ever been in a situation where someone expressed anger toward you, became frustrated, or simply seemed off, you know how easy it is to wonder, is it my fault?. Do you think you are highly intelligent? It is so easy to revert to my wounded self and claim that this time, my feelings are not my responsibility. Emotional projection is often a coping mechanism that we use when were feeling stressed, lonely, or overwhelmed. This is a common occurrence in unhealthy relationships or codependent relationships. Am I responsible for how other people feel? INFJs do have a tendency to feel responsible for other people, especially the ones closest to them. Some of our feelings, such as heartbreak and grief from losing a loved one, or helplessness over others, or loneliness when we want to share love with another and no one is available, are caused by others and by life events. On the other hand, if we find ourselves apologizing for everything, it might be time to look at why we feel compelled to say "I'm sorry" so often. Do you believe that you CAUSE others' feelings, and are therefore responsible for them? Responsible to: Really thinking about whether you need to reassure them or not. November 25, 2022, 1:25 pm, by I repeat this often at my workshops; under all that dirt and fear is love. Instead, you have responded from your ego-wounded self, trying to have control over the other's behavior. If you need help finding a therapist, check out our guide to finding mental health care. If they are not, they will blame us for their . In trying to keep the peace, we'd rather shoulder more than our fair share of burden than risk a difficult conversation, or worse, a confrontation involving anger or rejection. Maybe you see your parents unhappy and restricting themselves in irrational ways, but you cant explain to them that life can be different. However, if someone ever tells you that its your fault for what they do with their feelings, then I hope you can recognize how untrue that is. But if you find yourself thinking, this is why Im always having a bad day: no one is reliable, or blaming all your feelings on this one event, ask yourself: Is that really true? and Am I being fair?. What do you think of when you imagine a highly intelligent person? When were pulled into the lives of others, we can easily lose sight of our own lives. 1. What does taking responsibility for other peoples feelings help you to avoid? If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter. Others beliefs, perceptions, egos, temperament, defense mechanisms, thought patterns, stories, emotional regulation . Taking full responsibility starts with 1) distinguishing affect from emotion, 2) recognizing ways we blame others for our feelings, 3) avoiding myth-based emotional labels, and 4) implementing five steps for emotional responsibility. On the contrary, her best friend was complaining even more. You feel to blame if your child goes off in a bad way. What you can do to be more present and have true kindness for others. Try to be as objective as possible when assessing a situation and your feelings, so you dont allow your emotions to become even more heated. Youre not responsible for other peoples feelings, only your own. How others feel, act, and respond are within their boundaries. People who are overly responsible often end up feeling resentful because they are not treated the same way in return. I hope that you find some encouragement here. They want the empowerment of being able to have themselves. We are not responsible for other people's choices, behaviors, bad decisions, addictions, the consequences of their choices, their hopes, dreams, character defects, thoughts, feelings, problems, attitudes, and moods. For example, if your friend is late to your lunch appointment, youre not in the wrong about being frustrated. "Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them." ~Eckhart Tolle. When we are filled with painful feelings and are not open to our Guidance . What does it mean to be responsible for your own feelings? Within this space of hyper-responsibility lies a delusion, or denial of reality. The other person could have also just as easily felt responsible for my shutting down, coming to my rescue (my evil plan working) where I could passive aggressively make them apologize. Yes, if I want to be a good person and I care about you, Id probably need to own up to my part in your feelings. Life is not without risks, and fully embracing ourselves as individuals with a lot of feelings and needs can feel really risky. Someone who is super smart and knows a lot about everything. Each of us has to experience different lessons to learn and grow at various levels. Here is how likely you are to feel responsible for others, based on your personality type. Thats fine, but heres what you need to remember: It doesnt have anything to do with you. It was so easy to think that I felt awful because of how I was being treated by the other person, rather than because of how I was treating myself and the other person. This is especially visible in parent-child relationships. Responsible for: Forcing people to share their feelings and thoughts about a situation. You can help them to see why theyre in such a situation but dont try to solve it instead of them. But remember, if youre struggling or dont know where to begin, a therapist might be able to help too. It's natural to want happiness for your loved ones and hate to see them suffer. Pearl Nash Its fair to say that trying to control and feel responsible for how other people feel is not a productive way to live life. I know that this concept might be difficult to bring into reality, but youll save yourself so much worrying which doesnt lead anywhere good. But the urge to please others can damage our own personal power and allow other peoples feelings and wants to have more importance than our own. The truth is that no one has control over what we do or how we act. You dont need to be a people-pleaser all the time. Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. Or have you ever felt guilty or blamed for how someone else is feeling sometimes? You can only meet people where theyre at in their life. We each have a part to play in how we express ourselves. Instead, tell your partner or friend what you need from them. Sign up for our weekly newsletter to get the choicest content compiled only for you. The only revision I'd make to your quote is that though you aren't responsible for other people's feelings, you ARE responsible for your own ACTIONS, and in all the examples you provided in the case where your phrase isnt applicable, the "action" is rather an inaction, which is not communicating or making a choice. 10 Ways to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries, Understanding What Your Emotions Are Trying to Tell You, Atelophobia: Overcoming this Fear of Making Mistakes, What Is an Energy Vampire and How to Protect Yourself, 10 Effective Ways to Keep Your Partner Interested, Tips for Living With A Narcissist and Splitting Housework. And yeah, accidents happen, but theyre less likely to when each of us takes full ownership and responsibility over our actions. Knowing this fact, you remarked,"You're overw. The dark side of your psyche gives rise to thoughts and feelings that make you afraid yet tempted. This can help you stop blaming yourself or feeling guilty when your partner is in a bad moodand help you disengage from an argument. Not everything needs to be solved with face-to-face communication. Although you may influence how someone feels, you cannot change how they actually feel. When you are responsible and accountable for your feelings, you can rule them rather than let . Throughout our lives, the majority of the time that we are talking to others we are actually talking about ourselves. Ultimately . It is so easy to believe that your misery is coming from their behavior, rather than from your own response to their behavior. Your feelings are created by your thoughts, and other people don't cause or control them. Blaming someone for how youactedon your feelings is where the line of responsibility gets drawn. This type of behavior can also be a form of emotional abuse. Like the above, I can influence what you feel if I say something wack. Here are a few ways to begin the process of establishing healthier emotional boundaries. Other people need to take responsibility for their own feelings. Regardless of how much you help them, it feels like hitting the wall. You're A Loving Being. You feel it's your fault when other people feel bad. Would you send me a text or give me a call when your plane lands and check in from time to time?. Don't get involved in people's dramas. your emotions and how to respond. You Are Not Responsible for Anyone Else's Emotions. But it also means taking the time to do things that bring you joy, such as making time for a hobby you love or making plans to do something fun. In the spirit of breaking things down, let's start with the first truth: You can influence how a person feels, but you are not responsible for how they act, behave, or express their feelings. If you are feeling over-responsible for someone in your life, you are likely picking up some of the slack that they should be tending to. It occurs when children feel responsible for taking care of their parents emotionally while growing up. So if you want to become more emotionally responsible, try to spend less time focused on others or changing how others feel. Trauma survivors have a superpower: being able to read your surroundings and read people really well. Paul Brian In this blog post, we'll explore these and more steps you can take to help you regain control of your life and emotions. We have to be able to tell our friends and loved ones what we need and to be able to set healthy limits to our behavior as well. Feelings will come and go, but you are always responsible for your actions. Last medically reviewed on September 29, 2022, Boundaries are essential to having strong and healthy relationships. Highly intelligent people think, act and behave differently. 4 minutes. For example, if you forget a friends birthday or snap at a loved one when youre feeling stressed, dont deflect with a bunch of excuses. Does it affect other people? "I can't quit my job; it would stress out my co-workers.". Are you experiencing fear? And when you try to change someone else, youll likely end up frustrated or in an argument. How to Stop Absorbing Other Peoples Emotions, How To Manage Your Dark Side 10 Tips To Embrace Your Shadow Self, How To Identify A Delta Male? You're not helping anyone by trying to manage the emotions of other people. Top Not Responsible For Others Actions Quotes. by Now, when I respond to another's anger, blame or other violating behavior by either moving into an intent to learn about myself and them, or disengaging without anger, shaming or blaming, and tend to my core pain, I feel great. Other peoples feelings do not fall entirely on your shoulders. The issue is really one of sorting through boundaries and gaining clarity about how we interact with the other. Theyll tell you that they know youre right to text you an hour later telling you what terrible happened once again. This time they have gone too far, and no one could expect me to feel okay in this situation. Narcissists can make splitting housework stressful. The advice to not take responsibility for the emotions of others is typically offered in the context of codependency - situations where one person takes on excessive responsibility for the other person and his or her experiences. It can lead to some pretty unhealthy relationship patterns, including insecure attachment patterns, allowing resentment, bitterness, or bullying to develop in a relationship. Every morning she would rise with the Sun, offer her prayers and ask to be shown the way. Because they push aside their own needs and think of other peoples feelings before their own which eventually teaches them to disregard what they need and want. Here are some tips for getting better at it: Think about the last time you tried to change someone elses opinion about something, like their political beliefs. You don't want to, but you're not sure you have a choice. If you are constantly being open and available for everyone else at the expense of your own needs, then you are shirking responsibility where it actually counts. This time it really is the other person's fault. In essence, being responsible for your feelings (and only yours) is about switching a pattern of belief. According to psychologist Melanie Greenberg: "Guilt and perfectionism have a negative bias. You made me late, thats just lazy and not very creative. After being with a friend, colleague, or family member, do you tend to feel emotionally exhausted? December 2, 2022, 1:28 am, by In fact, people-pleasers can sometimes have a low opinion of themselves, believing that people only care about them when theyre useful, and need praise from others to feel better about themselves. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. 1) Set your boundaries! Your feelings, responsibilities, and actions all fall within your boundaries. One way to help challenge mind-reading is that if you (or someone else) can come up with any other valid interpretation of the person's behavior, then you have to recognize the possibility of being wrong in your interpretation. Try using I statements, such as I feel sad when youre late.. As soon as I got it right in one situation, spirit arranged for me to be challenged by new situations. You are projecting something you dont like about yourself (such as an impulse to anger) or an uncomfortable feeling (such as shame) onto someone else as a way of not feeling bad about yourself and your behavior. When we interact with others, we think that we are the cause of their reactions and emotions. What you can do in those moments is register what youre feeling. The people who adhere to the philosophy that they are not responsible for how anyone else feels deeply fear (because of their childhood experience) that if they take responsibility, they will lose themself. That is a good thing, but its better to direct your help at people who WANT to be helped. As alpha, beta and sigma male personalities are already popular, today we are going to explore the lesser known, yet extremely common, delta male personality. It makes you feel like shit and like hitting your head against the wall. Let's find out what you can do to improve your relationship with yourself. Here's how to protect yourself. If youre ready to finally escape the life traps youve been stuck in, this eBook is what youve been waiting for. Theyve internalized the most common psychological defense of self-denial. Can we come back to this conversation in 20 minutes?. But did it work out? And they are the only person responsible for their emotions. I discovered that whenever I did not take care of myself when being treated badly -- such as failing to lovingly disengage from the interaction and compassionately embrace the core painful feelings -- I felt awful. During the last 5 years, she has been working with people who are going through a life transformation which brings them on the path of their higher potential and life purpose. Its natural to not want to feel bad about yourself or like everything is your fault. If youre a people-pleaser, and you feel like youre never your true self around others, then I think it could benefit you a lot. In short, we can assume 100% responsibility for our own feelings and know that others are responsible for their feelings without being cold and unkind towards them. Were all responsible for ourselves at the end of the day, but we must be willing to recognize our part in how we show up within our relationships. Do you think you feel responsible for other peoples lives? 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